my journey through divorce as a Christian woman and mother balancing my faith and the pull of the world we live in. Please post a comment to tell me you stopped by.
So much has happened. The OW broke things off with My Beloved and asked for forgiveness. She pursued a relationship with me via FB, just to go back to him as soon as the divorce papers were signed.
It was worse the second time around and I have struggled ever since. Bitterness, anger and depression has taken over and I know battle to climb out of this pit. My job is hanging on by a thread and although My Beloved took on all the debt, my wages are being garnished for an unpaid traffic ticket he claims is new. I, of course can not find the bill and the many loopholes in our final divorce papers may leave me stuck with this bill and many to come. I need to Let Go….I can not deal with life like this anymore.
But I saw this post from a wonderful ministry that gives me hope:
I am confessing with the difficulty of what is coming VERY soon, I have fallen of the FB wagon and spent too much time doing “non-ministry” things. I realized the OW has blocked me now, so the joy I had thinking she was keeping an eye on me is gone. I snooped on my husband’s profile and saw he removed that he was in a relationship with the OW. Sound like good news but it explains the rush to settle things so he can feel no guilt announcing his adultery…OR, he wants to the joy to ACTUALLY change his status to single, then to being in a relationship. I am confessing that over the last 2 days, I have considered giving up my stand because it is too lonely and painful. I may just be confused with “letting Go and just letting the” divorce happen. The excitement of a new career and a new chapter in my life is confusing me….
My daughter asked what her daddy use to do for me for Valentine’s day. I told her he would buy me flowers (she guessed it would be a sunflower) with other Spring Flowers, my favorite. He always gave me a card and I told her I kept every card he gave me. She wanted to see so I pulled down this box and opened it up. She pulled out a small scroll he made me while we were dating that was on parchment paper with burnt edges and a romantic poetic prose on it.
As I started reading through the cards and saw that he really did love me and just a few years ago called me his “perfect-mate” expecting that anniversary message to one day be a 50th anniversary. I committed the ultimate divorce no-nos and started crying in front of my daughter and then the faulty zipper on my lips just burst open.”He was suppose to love me forever and not leave me. He promised”.
I knew as the word came were coming out I should have shut my trap but didn’t. I let my little girl see the pain her daddy caused me and the promise he broke.
Lord forgive me. The words were said and they can not be taken back.That moment of irresponsibility could face large consequences as my daughter heard things she shouldn’t have. Things that could be repeated that would make my situation and stand even more difficult. A consequence that could set me 3 steps back from restoration.
When will I learn to just SHUT UP and say nothing about my Beloved?
I ran into a total stranger at the Dollar Store who saw my Church Childcare Outfit and introduced herself as going to my church. We started talking. I was only there contemplating if I can afford buying some toilet paper or should I continue to mooch rolls off my neighbors.
One thing led to another and BLAH BLAH BLAH my whole life story spat out onto this poor woman. To my surprise, she said she thinks she knows who my husband is and asked what his name was because she has heard of him and the OW attending our church 2gether. My face must have turned as white as a ghost because she immediately apologized that she said anything. Well, it is no secret to those who knows us. It will be obvious when they see it….but I am sure my Loose Lips sunk the Ship by throwing gasoline and a match on it.
I am embarrassed, ashamed, and think I did too much damage already to see restoration. I can not take anything back. It is out there. people are talking and now my husband’s reputation is eroding.
I feel like such an idiot and maybe he is better off without me. I just want him to be happy and I did not do that for him.
As usual, as soon as the thoughts come out of my mouth, God provides me help. I am trying to hear this with more than my ears, because my heart and soul are numb.
Yesterday, I ran into a friend who was up all night before she heard our pastor teach on Psalm 23. My Beloved and I were on her heart and she was praying a Godly man would step up and confront my husband’s sin. She prayed and asked where was the church discipline and accountability the bible speaks of. She came to church the next day to hear this incredible message. She shared my Beloved’s FB posts have lots of anger.
I am praying My Beloved is feeling God’s gentle nudge turning into a harder push as his flesh is struggling to over power The Holy Spirit. Satan is fighting hard to keep reign over his thoughts, mind and actions. There is a tough battle ahead for my Beloved. I pray The Lord will safely take him through the refiner’s fire so on the other side, I will have a wonderful marriage, restored, renewed and resurrected.
“but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” (Is.40:31)
So, what is the story about this scripture? Yes, like my Pastor taught on Sunday about Psalm 23, we heard it all before(before delivering one of the best messages on this Psalm I EVER heard. Isaiah 40:31, like Psalm 23 tend to be our Ace up our spiritual sleeve, ready to pull it out when faced with troubles. This is one of those scriptures quoted on Christian trinkets, plaques, etc., so why am I regurgitation it? Well, like most, it just comes to my mind and I used it the other day:
I quoted part of this in a note to my prayer warriors on Sunday morning.
Later that morning I visited My friend’s Church to hear her mission team speak on South Africa. After worship, the pastor had this scripture on his heart and shared it. He shared it with a beautiful image of an eagle soaring in a vast blue sky. The eagle did nothing bu spread his wings and soar on the wind.
Also, on Feb 1st, this scripture came via an SMS alert from one of my favorite FB pages.
Besides the obvious, I am searching for what The Lord IS really saying To Me during this 40 day fast. While sharing with my friend on Sunday how “FAST” God is moving during my “fast”, she asked what I thought about all this. I sat there, not beaming with excitement from confirmations as God is moving, but I sat there and could not answer. I told her I didn’t know what to think, in fact, I had no thoughts at all, then, BINGO! We both realized, I was no longer thinking but letting The Lord do what He does best, carry the burden and work without interference from me.
I was no longer thinking, planning, worrying and doing “things” to make things work. I was just silent before Him. Maybe because my life was too loud to notice all His love notes. The only way I could explain it was like listening to the weather man. The weather man says, it’s going to rain today, so when it starts to rain, it is not a surprise, I expected it. To see that scripture up on the screen at Mosaic that morning was not a surprise.
Yesterday, via SMS from FB, this message came to my phone:
“Prayer is asking it to rain, faith is carrying the umbrella “— John Mason
All I know is Jesus is moving, He is soaring through my circumstances and all I have to do is ride a long and my strength will be renewed. I am praying for answers, and when they come…it is no surprise.
I have yet to really grasp hold of the whole thing and see the big picture, but we all know that is not how it works. We are responsible just to see the puzzle piece in our hands and wait until we see where it fits. My piece of the puzzle is of the sky…it can fit anywhere in the vast blue and white in front of me.
So I wait until more pieces are placed down and my piece finds it place. Then I pick up another piece.
Jesus knows the big picture, I just need the “PEACE” He gives me.
The last two days have been excruciating. Besides the fact that quitting FB is like quitting crack, the bit of extra time with the Lord and not FB has made me realize something. FB was just a big old fat Bandage on a still very open wound and I just ripped that sucker off. I regurgitated scriptures on posts and gleaned them from others, but there is something powerful about opening His book and going before Him….with nothing but me, waiting to hear him.
I find myself back, 1 yr ago to the day when my home was a prison. We played house until the kids went to bed, lights turned off, the house was shut down, my husband settling in for the night on the couch, reading the bible on his itouch or doing whatever and me sequestered to our bedroom, alone. Me , my bible and God.
Needless to say, Satan has NOT waited one second to start pushing me down and throwing things at me. Already, I had two VERY difficult and painful decisions to make. God hopefully answered one in service last night and the other I just made. I feel like the 2 women in the bible fighting over a child, when the order came down to slice the child in half, the real mother gave up her child. Now, I just wait for the final order.
Like I said, I will be vague about my needs. I do need prayer for school and my new job. I need the strength to do that and take care of my children. There is one problem I can tell you about. I wrote another note to my supporters via FB and I found myself staring at a blue and white website to contact them. It is like taking a recovering alcoholic into a bar, so, I realized I needed to take my needs off of FB. I asked my friends to send me their email if hey wish to pray for me but would understand if they didn’t. I received a few.
If Satan is hitting me this hard and this fast, I must be doing something right. I need to do God’s Will, not mine, not the court’s not the legal system and not man’s. God’s ways are foolishness to The World, but if I follow The Lord, I will not be put to shame, I will fly on the wings of eagles, for my battle is not against flesh and blood “but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”
SO, today I announced to my prayer warriors about something my church is doing together. For the next 40 days, (now 38), I am joining my church in a fast from something that keeps me from spending time with the Lord. I immediately chose FB. This fast is leading up to a night of prayer and healing at my church with cancer being the main focus but I know our God will be healing much more than that. My mom passed away in 1997 of Breast Cancer so this fast is important for me, along with other healing needs in mine and others’ lives.
Because FB is my ONLY way of contact for many of my friends, I will still be available through FB message and wall posts for prayer requests or any other message I need to receive, but otherwise, no strolling the home page for status updates.
OK, it is obvious I am not getting off to a good start on this 40 day fast since today is day 38, but I am tying up some loose ends with my private FB group site for people praying for the restoration of their marriages AND I just learned of this fast on Sunday. I may have to pop in from time to time to post (as and if The Lord leads me) to share any revelations I am learning to encourage those standers.
I asked them to please keep me in their prayers. This will be a difficult time for me because my birthday is 2 days away from Valentine’s day and it will be the first bday without My Beloved. Even though last year he was still home, he had already separated from me emotionally and my birthday was pretty much ignored or mentioned out of obligation. With my new job, we are facing some important childcare issues that My Beloved and I are not agreeing on so I am needing to pray for communication to improve and that the best interest of our children come first. I also have an important court date on March 8th.
During this time, I am going to rely on my faith in Jesus and as I struggle, I will send out “simple” prayer requests and allow The Lord to fill in the blanks to my prayer warriors. I pray this time will enable me to pray for others and devote more time to serve His Kingdom. I am excited about all the things to come during this next 40 days with a new PT job, school starting, caring for my beautiful children and church.
I am concerned for my marriage standers on my FB pages that I will not be there posting encouragement and scriptures. I have a list of over 50 marriages needing prayer for restoration that I will be praying for and many more on my pages who did not submit their names.
Finally took down my Christmas tree with the help of my new and dear friend, Jsca. So strange how we have hit it off so well, so quickly. She is leaving early Thursday morning on a mission trip to South Africa for 2 weeks and I will miss her, but there is much to do. As I sit here looking at boxes of Christmas stuff, tree that needs to be stored somewhere in my apartment and Outdoor Christmas lights still needing to be taken down…I have once again come to a stand still. I will worry about it tomorrow.
I had a job interview today and I am praying it goes well. I really need this job. My daughter told My Beloved that I was going to get a job today so My Beloved was curious. I told him it was an interview. I spoke to him on the phone after the interview to discuss my son and the subject cam up. I was excited and he was not very talkative. Surprise.
My Beloved texted me tonight to bring my son’s pillow over. I was already comfy in my PJ’s so I just put on socks and tennis shoes and a jacket and went to his house. As I walked up I saw 2 big bushes on the walkway. It looked like he was gutting the plant area. I had to walk around onto the grass to get to his front door. I rang the door bell and my daughter opened the door with her cute smile. Oh, how I love her. I planned to just drop the stuff off and run, and I was walking down the walkway and My Beloved came to the door. I stopped and made a comment about the bushes and learned the were the roses he was pruning down. The bushes were big and I was shocked they were roses. I said it looked like they hadn’t been cut back in years.
He had an unusual answer. He said while he was doing it, God used the opportunity to talk to him about pruning and the difference between dead wood and good wood. He said he told God, “I don’t need to hear this lesson now, Lord”. It caught me off guard. I smiled and asked if he was in church on Sunday. Not surprising he wasn’t, especially after getting a letter from the Pastor. (We have not discussed the matter, nor even brought it up). He asked what the message was on and I said he could look it up online. That pretty much ended the conversation and he closed the door and I walked to my car and drove off. I cried all the way home.
It is so hard not to just say what I want to say. I love him so much and I don’t know why he would tell me about his pruning experience. Is God doing something? I don’t know and I don’t want to know. I am not ready to know. I can not put myself out there right now. Either way, it was odd he was talking to me like that.
Sunday’s message was on The Ministry of Reconciliation from 2Cor 5. I laughed when I saw the title on the handout. “Really? Reconciliation, Lord? You’re too funny. Watch Adam NOT be in church this Sunday.”, and today, I found out he wasn’t. Now, hopefully, he may go listen to the message. I wonder if the word ‘reconciliation’ has the same meaning to him as it does me? Mind you, the message centered around preaching the Gospel;being reconciled to God, but the fact that the word popped up the Sunday after My Beloved was “chastised” by our pastor for adultery? I believe that is called a ‘Godincidence’. The guest speaker does not know what is going on with us and my marriage problems do not guide my Pastor’s messages at all-The Lord does. Just thought it was funny.
I pray there is a softening of heart, but I will wait until it is made clear to me. My friend Jsc, was given a Word to support my stand and she honestly believes it is going to happen. She didn’t always believe or want to believe. Like many, they do not want me wasting years of my life waiting for something that might not happen, but that changed last week. She was reading in Psalms 107, I believe (you think I’d remember when she shared it with me), and it was a scripture she found while praying for another friend. After she read it, The Lord told her that was for me, also and she needs to support my stand so being the obedient woman she is, she is supporting me.
She was the first one I went to when that FB message from the OW came in. I was ready to call my husband and tell him off and she stopped me. She said, “you have to decide how you are going to stand. Do not call him, do not mention it to him. Let the OW tell him and when he sees you, you just be nice and kind.” It was SO HARD to put my phone down. Then the other day, when My Beloved told me my daughter had a birthday party sleep over (ON THE SAME DAY), we went back and forth via texts, as usual, about last minute notices. I also asked if he could take Katie to buy a gift because I had no money. He also said he had no money, even though the kids told me he just won $400 in his work’s biggest loser competition (GAG me!). Anyways, I bit my tongue, or in this case, my fingers, and did not text him back, “I guess ‘dating’ really takes a bite out of your budget, doesn’t it?”. Well, I told my friend how I DIDN’T text that, even though I wanted to, and she said she was proud of me ! What a breath of fresh air. But OH HOW I WANTED TO TEXT THAT!!!!
You see, My Beloved has made a nasty and cruel habit of mailing me my support checks the Friday after he is paid. Many times from work. Of course, it is mailed AFTER pick up, there is no mail pick up on the weekends so it technically gets in the mail on Monday and doesn’t get to me until the following Tuesday or Wednesday. Since rent was due on a Monday this month, I asked him to please give me the check on Friday when he picks up the kids so I do not get charged a $75 late fee if his check does not come in. Not too hard of a request, right? Well, he mailed it on Friday, it doesn’t arrive until Tuesday–one day after rent was due. I have to pay $75. Just like that, $75 get taken out of the mouths of my children.
He thinks he is hurting me, but he isn’t. He is hurting my ability to provide properly for our children. I just pray my money lasts until payday, which is in 3 days. Easy if I received it in 3 days, but if he mails it, it will likely be in 8 day, (sigh!)
Well, the next morning was filled with a counseling appointment at church and a phone call from a friend who I frantically called the night before. Beu told me how wrong the OW was to write me and the she had approached the OW at church on Sunday telling her if there was something going on it is adultery. (I like Beu!) Chances are, this girl (the OW seems to dignified because honestly, she looks like she is 17 yrs old…men can be disgusting!), felt like she had to justify herself with me because of this encounter. That is probably where she got the notion that she was not ruining a family. I never told anyone that, but, of course, I did tell her she was.
After an emotional counseling session, I called a woman, KP, from a FB page I am on who gave me lots of Godly advice from the experience she had helping many women in my situation.
“TRUST IN THE LORD, LET GO OF YOUR BELOVED. Don’t get your Pastors involved or return the OW-Girl message (Well, too late for that). God has allowed all this to happen. He knows your needs and he loves your children and Your Beloved more than you ever could. The more you let go of all these issues and wait on The Lord, the more blessed you will be when He comes through in a miraculous way.”
….I know, I know….I just panicked. So now what? My Beloved once again mailed my check so it conveniently shows up late and I incur a $75 late fee. KP has convinced me NOT to go ask the church for Financial help but to wait on The Lord. So, I came home to wait and pray. When I returned home my Pastor had responded.
On Tue, Jan 4, 2011 at 11:22 AM, “Pastor L” wrote:
Spring – I’m extremely disappointed to hear of this. I will need to send Your Beloved a message of my thoughts. You need to continue to do what God has asked of you (pray, grow personally, guard your heart, etc.). I do not recommend any further contact with the OW, it can only make things worse. Hang in there and let God do some work on this. Pastor L
My response after the dust had settled and after speaking to some wise women:
On 1/4/11 12:38 PM, “Spring” wrote:
Thank you. I was concerned after I sent this that I am not letting God work, I am not letting go of My Beloved like I need to. It was just so surprising to see this and even though our church is growing, it is still intimate. I run into her and all her friends in the fellowship hall and it takes everything in me to stand confident that Jesus is at work and I need to persevere through this trial.
I was on the phone with a wise woman this morning who advised me to let God take control of everything. He knows what is happening, He knows the financial burdens that lie ahead as the courts discontinue all alimony with no job, Jesus loves my children more than I do and He will take care of us as long as I am obedient.I feel ashamed I even sent this to you, now. I just didn’t know what to do and I acted before praying. Yesterday was the 1 year anniversary of My Beloved telling me it was over and I have had a difficult weekend.
I fear approaching My Beloved will only make things worse, but at the same time, this is happening in your church and people are going to start to know.
This church and your teaching have been such a blessing to me and I do not want to leave. I do not want My Beloved to leave, either, because I know God is speaking to him every Sunday and this is where our kids are.It has been hard because I do not have a small group to be part of. There just aren’t enough groups available with space. The women’s Bible studies are large and the groups are large so there is not much time to establish any relationships. So I just serve. It keeps me busy, and I can contribute in some way to His kingdom.
I am as shocked and disappointed at this myself. This is not My Beloved. My Beloved is kind, caring and gentle. This is My Beloved in the enemy’s hand full of pride and self-indulgence. It just saddens me he has found a group of people in our church who support his actions.
I do not plan to be in contact with her. I will only continue to pray for her and My Beloved.
Blessings In Your Work
Spring
On Tue, Jan 4, 2011 at 1:01 PM, “Pastor L” wrote:
That was a brilliant response! Keep that heart and mindset. I’ve contacted Your Beloved.
Thanks Pastor L
I guess I get an “A” for emails for the day. Another stander friend has sent me some scripture to pray over My Beloved. She had an interesting thought about the whole thing. She said if the OG contacted you, she probably has some doubts. Hmmm…interesting thought. That made me feel better….a little.
Well, enough for now. I have some cute sleeping kids to kiss and cuddle…can’t wait!
So for the past few days I have been in a funk. Overwhelmed by housework that needs to be done and Christmas decorations to be put away….I just sat. Also, my husband’s check DID NOT come in again and my rent is late. Even though I asked my husband if he can hand deliver it instead of mail it so I do not pay it late, he mailed it on Friday. That night he comes over and picks up the kids.
My dear friend Js invites me over to see a movie. when I return, I find I received a message from the OW who now has made herself known.
Spring,
I just want you to know that I am not here to ruin your family, I would never do such a thing. It is preposterous to even suggest that. Maybe it is not my place to say this but your marriage was over before I came into the picture. I have been cheated on and I know what it feels like, so I would never do that to another woman. At times we have to know when things are over and accept reality and move on for our own good and for the good of people that we impact. I wish you well and hope that 2011 works out great for you. Incidentally, the lady you approached in Church is my friend , if you have any questions, please feel free to email me.
Blessings,
OW
I should have prayed before I responded and spell checked before I sent but my fingers were going too fast and too furious:
A covenant marriage is never over and I will be praying and fasting for my husband to return to where God has called him. With no biblical grounds, any other relationship is adultery. Plain and simple. My husband has many issues he needs to deal with that you do not even know and I stood by him through his darkest hours. You are ruining a family and as of now, it is adultery. I know what God has promised and The Lord has been reaching for My Beloved for many years. The only one who will be hurt is you in the end. The fact that there is no biblical grounds for my husband’s divorce, and that you are dating while we are still married says plenty about you and my husband’s walk. If you only knew how treacherously he is dealing with me you would see his true heart. But I love him and I always will. God will bring him back to me, you are a mere distraction. He is incapable of being alone and had a female in his life before he left. I just pray you hear God’s voice and do what is biblically right. My daughter is distressed about this, also. She even told a neighbor about your “dating” which is shocking my husband would even do that. I pray for you and my husband every night. God;s Word will not return void. My husband is very good at convincing people, it is his gift. Anyone who knew us over he pas 8 years knows there is more to this story and so does God. So, Selena, at times you have to know when there is a spiritual battle brewing. It isn’t over….even when it is over. I just pray if you meet Our Lord tomorrow, your excuse is good enough….
Was I too harsh?? Was I not harsh enough? Well, after a good cry on my friend’s shoulder, suddenly I was out of my funk. If Satan thought this was going to put me down for the count….he was sadly mistaken, as he usually is. A holy fire was lit and he battle for my husband has just stepped up a notch.
SATAN HAS LEFT THE BUILDING!
ENTER THE PRAYER WARRIOR!
THE DANIEL FAST IS ON, BABY!
21 DAY…NO, LONGER…UNTIL VALENTINE’S DAY!
Father, in the name of Jesus, I come boldly to Your throne of grace and present MY BELOVED before You. I stand in the gap and intercede in behalf of MY BELOVED, knowing that the Holy Spirit within me takes hold together with me against the evils that would attempt to hold MY BELOVED in bondage. I unwrap MY BELOVED from the bonds of wickedness with my prayers and take my shield of faith and quench every fiery dart of the adversary that would keep MY BELOVED from coming to You, and receiving You as his Lord and Savior.
Father, I ask you to commission your ministering spirits of salvation to go forth and provide the necessary help for MY BELOVED.
In the name of Jesus I bind MY BELOVED’s body, soul and spirit to the will and purposes of God for his life. I bind MY BELOVED’s mind, will and emotions to the will of God. I bind him to the truth and to the blood of Jesus. I bind his mind to the mind of Christ that the very thoughts, feelings and purposes of His heart would be within MY BELOVED’s thoughts.
I loose every old, wrong, ungodly pattern of thinking, attitude, idea, desire, belief, motivation, habit and behavior from MY BELOVED. I tear down, crush smash and destroy, and break every stronghold associated with generational curses, including DIVORCE, witchcraft, addiction, idolatry, ABUSE and every evil influence from his ancestors and associations with ungodly friendships with men and women. STRONGHOLDS BE BROKEN IN THE NAME OF JESUS! I bind and cancel every stronghold in MY BELOVED’s life that has been justifying and protecting hard feelings against anyone. I bind and cancel the stronghold of unforgiveness, fear, unbelief and distrust from MY BELOVED. I bind and cancel these things in Jesus’ name.
Father, I have laid hold of MY BELOVED’s salvation and his confession of the Lordship of Jesus Christ. I speak of things that are not as though they were, for I choose to look at the unseen � the eternal things of God. I say that Satan shall not get an advantage over MY BELOVED. I resist Satan, and he has run in terror from MY BELOVED in the name of Jesus. I give Satan no place in MY BELOVED. I plead the blood of the Lamb over MY BELOVED, for Satan and his cohorts are overcome by that blood and Your Word. I thank You, Father that I tread on serpents and scorpions and over all the power of the enemy in MY BELOVED’s behalf. MY BELOVED is delivered from this present evil world. He is delivered from the powers of darkness and translated into the Kingdom of Your dear Son!
Father, I ask You now to fill those vacant places within MY BELOVED with Your redemption, Your Word, Your Holy Spirit, Your love, Your wisdom, Your righteousness and Your revelation knowledge in the name of Jesus.
I thank You, Father, that MY BELOVED is redeemed out of the hand of Satan by the precious blood of Jesus, he is justified and made righteous by the blood of Jesus and belongs to You spirit, soul and body. I thank You that every enslaving yoke is broken, for MY BELOVED will not become the slave of anything or be brought under its power in the name of Jesus. MY BELOVED has escaped the snare of the devil that has held him captive and hence forth does Your will, Father, which is to glorify You in his spirit, soul and body.
Father I ask you to separate MY BELOVED from THE OW as far as the East is from the West. In the name of Jesus, I bind, break, cancel and destroy the spirit of adultery, lust, and fornication from off of MY BELOVED. In the name of Jesus I bind, break, cancel and destroy the spirit of witchcraft, addiction, hexes, vexes, mesmerism, and seduction from off of MY BELOVED. Lord I ask You to take the pleasure out of MY BELOVED’s sin of adultery with THE OW. Father I ask you to reveal to MY BELOVED the things that are in THE OW so that he can see her for what she really is.
Father I ask you to change me into the woman that you want me to be. Satan’s works are destroyed NOW in MY BELOVED’s life in the name of Jesus. MY BELOVED walks in the Kingdom of God, which is righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit! Praise the Lord!
1 year ago today, my stand officially started. It was the day before my husband returned to work and the kids were returning to school. I asked him to come and sit with me, he sat across the room and said ‘I’m OK Here”, then he said he had to tell me something…..my fight for my marriage began.
Later that month, while I searched the internet for a Christian Divorce Lawyer I found Rejoice Marriage Ministries STOP DIVORCE and was give new hope. My fight for my marriage was given a name, “STANDING” and I was a “STANDER”!
I was just reading my journal from back then and realized not much has changed. 1 whole year and no major change between us. We are all out of our family home, I am without a job, in a subsidized apartment, fighting to keep my spousal support and he is renting a 3 bdrm house. He is still as cold and indifferent as he was last year. Now there is another woman. Yes, per my 9 year old daughter, my husband is dating that belly dancer he met. I guess she has moved to the area (lucky me) and now goes to our church, where My Beloved has befriended a group of other Indians (middle Eastern) who support his lifestylr and choices. And of course, his new GF….. but we are not divorced, yet. He told my daughter it was OK because we are almost divorced. He blames me for holding things up with the financials and he is going to get to work on the papers needed to finish the divorce.
I feel with all the trials of life this past year, I have made no progress in my stand and have not prayed and read The Word as much as I should. If there is no progress, maybe I am not putting the time and effort into it, maybe I a allowing Satan to depress me or am I feeling sorry for myself? All I know I have been useless these past few days and have done nothing constructive at home or spiritually. It has been 1 year, he is dating BEFORE our divorce is final, my daughter stays at a neighbors house for 3-4 days when she should be with her dad or ME, and my husband still says it is over. He says I am not accepting reality and it will only be harder on me when he moves on…and he has. However, this is just blatant adultery. Doesn’t he care about that? How can he justify that biblically and STILL go to church…OUR CHURCH!
I am still struggling with wanting a lawyer to navigate me through the mess of the court system where I am losing terribly on my own. I am being told, “you need a lawyer, this isn’t right what is happening to you…” and I am being told, “God can change it without the courts just thru your obedience and praying about it all…IM not saying God would never lead anyone into courts..but most of people i know that God brought to me…they kept lawyers out and just simply trusted God with everything.” So which way is right? Let the courts take everything from me? CA law is suppose to protect women like me but the courts here are not doing that. Will lawyers make reconciliation harder by making my husband more bitter? A lawyer will help me secure the funds and time to re-educate so I can get a job and care for my children. But I have no money for a lawyer.
It has been 1 year…..still in the same place. I have also added a new category to my blog: Adultery. Never thought I’d see it happen before our divorce is final.
! What a breath of fresh air. But OH HOW I WANTED TO TEXT THAT!!!!
